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desperate4mySavior
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Name: Brandon
Country: United States
State: Nebraska
Metro: Grand Island
Birthday: 3/5/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: My Jesus, theology, religions, poetry, writing, reading, preaching, listening, watching people,Acoustic guitar(though I can't play YET), Thunderstorms/Tornadoes, Meteor Showers, laying out in an open field under the stars just staring at them for hours and hours, sunsets, fishing, camping, knowing that I'm in the will of God, my future wife, my future kids, the list goes on.....
Expertise: trying to remember to choose grace over legalism in all aspects of life, less condemnation and more embracing, less judging and more reflecting.
Occupation: Student of the Rabbi
Industry: Nonprofit is the organization,
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  triuneintimacy
Yahoo:  brandon_tit@yahoo.com
Member Since:
11/30/2004
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| The writing drought continues in my life, though I am confident God is teaching me much through it all. Humility is the big lesson I believe. Thanksgiving/Gratitude is another. All for His Glory. May my lips stay sealed and may my fingers remain paralyzed until I can speak/write for His Glory and not my own. Apart from Him I can do NOTHING!
In other news, I quit my job. April 18th is my last day. I decided that it was time to move on and give myself some rest from the constant struggle. I was worried I was making merely a selfish decision but God has granted me a real and genuine peace about my decision. When I would usually kill myself with guilt and self-condemnation He has really protected my heart and kept me from beating myself up with this decision. That, to me, is further confirmation of His Work. I am going to go home for a couple months and rest. Yeah, I know that is very counter-cultural in a lot of ways. And no, by resting I don't mean laying on my butt watching movies, being a Facebook bum, and sleeping most the day. I mean rest as in extended time in the Word, memorizing, studying, meditating upon it. I mean extended time in prayer, enjoying creation. I mean spending time with family and investing into them and by God's grace restoring and deepening relationships. I need to start living out of my convictions and family is a BIG one. I'm also going to look into some blood testing to check hormone levels and see if I can't get this fatigue problem figured out. By God's grace some answers and healing will come in that area. Honestly, I just want to seek the face of my God and wherever He leads this heart of mine I will follow. But I refuse to make another step if He is not in it.
My current struggle is finishing strong. Holy cow, it is hard not to disengage and just coast to the finish line. But I don't want to be a man who lacks the integrity to do everything unto the Lord. I want to do all things for the Glory of my God and Father. I must live that way. So here I am living day to day by the grace of God, crying out to Him every morning proclaiming the truth that my flesh wants to rule. I don't want to be here anymore, but I need to be. It is this tension that I face on a daily basis. It is so good for me because I need to learn to battle by the power of the Holy Spirit against the flesh. I don't want to be a selfish man. So while these next 19 days here willl not be pleasant and some may be downright miserable I am committed to finishing strong for the Glory of God. Amen.
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| I wish I could write more. I wish I made more time to sit down and put words to this life of mine. So much has been happening in my heart I wish I could hook a USB cable to my brain and download these fleeting thoughts. (filtered of course, yeah, DEFINITELY filtered.) I long to testify clearly to the goodness of my Father and how He has and continues to faithfully teach me and draw me closer to Himself. Truth has begun to take a greater grip on a heart that has for so long been controlled by fickle emotions and paralyzing fear. Soon I hope to digress on these topics in a way that can be an encouragement to the countless people who struggle with doubt, anxiety, and depression.(which these days means pretty much everyone) Soon I hope.....very soon.
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| Sometimes I write for other people, in hopes that my words will minister to their hearts and lead them to Jesus. Sometimes I write for myself, because I need to express the deep feelings and emotions that are raging beneath my mellow and reserved facade.
Sometimes I write because I have no idea what else to do. I write out of confusion and desperation in hopes that somehow my gibberish will turn into clarity and my stumbling will find me on straight paths.
Tonight seems to be one of those nights where clarity alludes me. So the following entry may make little to know sense to the reader. But then again, by God's grace, and only by His grace some clarity and truth may come out of it that penetrates a heart that needs that mustard seed implanted in them. If so, to God be the glory. If not, I'm sorry I confused you. :)
There is always so much unknown in my life; so many questions that are miles out of the reach of understanding. My flesh cries out for answers but quickly settles for superficial indulgence; it yearns for the quick high. But Wisdom stays my hand, by God's grace, I refuse its selfish cries. Tonight I wish I didn't have so many wants, so many desires that paint my life gray with confusion. Maybe then I could see clearly the path I should take and not get distracted by all the flashing exit signs. Yet I'm immersed in a bland grayness that refuses my heart's delight. Where is the black and white of truth? Is truth even black and white? Or is it bursting with color, so bright that to look directly upon it would surely blind my mortal eyes? The problem I then see is not with the substance of truth, but with the way I view it. My vision is blurred; the perception of my eyes, is veiled by an imperfect mind, the world's distorted lenses, and the Evil One's perverted reality. No wonder I am so confused. This battle of vision rages unrecognized daily. It's easy to miss, easy to shrug off when it is all that I have ever known. It's so familiar, this false perception, this frustrated state of being. But I must realize that this isn't how it is supposed to be. I must war against these lies. Life isn't black and white, nor is it that damnable gray. It's a colorful display of glory painted by an Artist longing to be sought, seen and cherished. And when I say cherished I don't mean like a sentimental teddy bear, so cute and cuddly. But rather, I mean a awe-inspiring sense of worship, a valuing of something sacred that could never be outdone or replaced. Yet though I cannot see the beautiful painting in whole, I can meditate on it in part. Though my vision is blurry most days, there are days when I catch a slight glimpse of glory that takes my breath away. And I will cling to those slivers of hope of things to come. Yes, I will cling until there is no strength left and then my God will surely rescue me, resurrect me, and bring me into His mighty and glorious presence.
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| So much has been happening in my world lately, yet words escape me. I hope to write about it all someday. But until then........I wait.
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| This statement has long been a bitter taste in my mouth. It has merely been a cliche, an unattainable standard that has tormented this legalistic, perfection-driven soul. I would read the verses that called me to lay it all down, to pick up my cross, to die to myself and then I would close my Bible in disgusted shame, feeling the condemnation of another unreachable command. How it burdened my heart. How guilty I felt for not even desiring to be obedient. I thought I would never come to a place where my heart could honestly cry, "Come Lord Jesus, I give you my all!"
Yet my Father, in a way that I couldn't even begin to imagine, began me on a journey towards complete surrender. In His providence He has broken me and continues to break me. For in my brokenness I taste the bitter cup of my depravity. I am overwhelmed by the stench of my sin and I must fall on my face and cry out in complete desperation, "Forgive me Lord, a sinner!" This is the place where in agony my heart is refined by the Truth, by His Spirit. This is the place where the dross is burned away. Then by His grace I can lift my eyes and praise a God who saves, a God who is near, a God who is holy. And when I find myself shoring up my heart once again, in His love He thwarts my rebuilding efforts and devastates my defenses. Praise the God who destroys us so that we may be built up in Him!
And though I won't be so arrogant as to claim I lovingly long to daily, hourly, secondly give my all to Him. I must confess that my heart has been transformed. I must confess that a yearning grows in my spirit. It's a growing thirst, a hunger pain that resonates to the depths of my spirit. It is a desire to be where He is. It is a desire to please Him. It's a desire to give it all.
To God be the Glory for the things He has done. | | |
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